Recent Correspondence

This is the recent correspondence I've had with a columnist at the Winnipeg Free Press. I find it amusing. I'll update it if I hear back from him.



From: jeremy penner
Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2007 11:54 AM
To: Oleson,Tom
Subject: your latest column

Hello Mr. Oleson

Your latest column, the one about eating meat and greenhouse gasses, inspired a discussion between my father and I. Could you clarify something, to solve an argument for us? He told me that your columns often have a somewhat obscure tongue-in-cheek nature, and that this article followed suit. I failed to see the tongue in your cheek, but conceded that it must be impossible for anyone making such absurd leaps of logic to be serious, or have any degree of intelligence. So my question is this, and I'll infer the rest from your answer: did you mean for your column to be taken seriously?

I hope to hear back from you, thank you so much.

Jeremy Penner


On 9/17/07, Oleson,Tom wrote:

Dear Mr. Penner:
Your question is so incomprehensively general that it is impossible to answer specifically — "absurd leaps of logic?"
As a general response, I think that you should, as every dutiful son should, listen to your father, who seems to have a better grasp on reality and a better comprehension of what he reads.

Best regards,
Tom Oleson

----------



Mr. Oleson

Thank you for your reply. I fear that my father is getting to that age where his grasp on reality is not as strong as it once was. As it seems that the two of you might very well be peers, I found it prudent to question you both. To be more specific, the main point in your article that struck me was your assertion that people should eat beef, in order to rid the earth of methane spewing cow anuses. You fail to mention the fact that these cattle are raised specifically to meet the demand of the meat-consuming population. They exist because people eat meat; eating more meat will only result in more cattle being raised, but you seem to imply the opposite.

I realize that in satire this kind of logic is expected, but besides these incredible claims, I saw nothing in your article that indicated you weren't serious. I now must assume that you are correct and I should be trusting my father's superior comprehension of what he reads. He suggested you had your tongue in your cheek, and in that case I should apologize, for I greatly dislike being the person who takes satire at face value. However, I would like to suggest that perhaps, in a world where far more obvious parody often gets taken more seriously, you could stand to be a little less subtle.

Bestest regards,
Jeremy Penner

watch this video

watch the whole thing, don't just dismiss it right away cause it sounds crazy.



tell me what you think. if you remember how i got drawn in by that B.S. video about global warming being a myth, maybe you can help me debunk this one too. but for now i'm drawn in.

it took us two days to hitchhike to saskatoon

name that song.

but seriously, it took us two days to drive from winnipeg to saskatoon, and it involved hitch hiking. so far on tour the van has had some problems on longer road trips, after a while it would just crap out. also, about a month ago we'd had a bunch of trouble with it not wanting to start. to get it going somebody would have to hammer on the starter with a hammer while somebody started it. but these problems had never occured at the same time, and they hadn't happened for at least a month.

well, they chose to come back at the same time on our trip to saskatoon. we made it 3 or so hours out of winnipeg when it stalled the first time. i think we got it going again pretty quick and drove some more, but it soon started stalling every 15 minutes or so. that's also when the starter stopped working too. so every time that happened we sat for a while waiting for old Bertha to recover, and then somebody hauled out the hammer and went underneath the hood to hammer away. it wasn't just a little tap on the right spot to get us going either. you really had to hammer hard on that thing, and it could take a very long time to actually start. the worst part was that it seemed to be taking longer and longer each time we stalled. Finally it just wouldn't start. We couldn't even call for a tow because they couldn't transport 6 of us. In the end a nice lady at the Russell Inn sent the security guy to pick us up and we stayed on cots there in a conference room since they were all booked up. $10 a person, including breakfast. I highly recommend it.

The next day we got it started and headed out for the nearest town with a Canadian Tire. I drove 50 the whole way and we didn't stall once. The garage was closed, but we replaced some parts and thought we had the stalling problem fixed, although the starter would have to wait, since we had a show to get to in saskatoon. But after driving an hour the van stalled again. So Jordan and Fin hitch hiked back to the Canadian Tire to pick up another part. When they caught up with us they were with a really nice couple of ladies who had offered to drive them all the way to saskatoon. Since we needed to fix the van yet, jer and sheree went with them to get to the show on time, while we fixed the van.

End of story, we made it to Saskatoon in time for our second set. Good times.

Sewer Adventures

We just stayed in Listowel, Ontario, which is a cute little town a couple hours outside of Toronto. Two nights ago we went on a walk and discovered a canal, with super high concrete walls. This canal disappears into a tunnel, which our friend Tyler told us went underneath the entire town. It's usually a river, but the lack of rain had pretty much dried the river up.

So we decided that the next day we would explore this tunnel. The next evening we went out. We brought a canoe to see if we could put it in further upstream and canoe down, but the river was too dried up, so we walked down the riverbank towards the tunnel/canal. Tyler had a headlamp on and rope slung over his shoulder. Finn had a police-style flashlight. On the way to the tunnel we passed the hospital, which had some construction happening, and i found a solid metal pipe. The guys didn't like me carrying it around, cause the tunnel was right by the police station, and they figured it looked suspicious. I thought we looked suspicious enough anyways and I wasn't about to part with my pipe. There's nothing like getting up to no good with a bunch of guys in a small town, and carrying a metal pipe. It makes me feel hilarious and macho at the same time.

So we found a place to scale down the canal wall, there was some sort of thing on the wall that made it easy to climb. We walked down into the darkness of the tunnel and it was awesome. I love that feeling of excitement as you go into something dark and unknown. We explored all the way to the end, threw rocks around, and checked out the little sewer things that fed into the tunnel. The echoes in there were amazing. We did some nice accapella harmonies with hand claps and metal pipe percussion. That combined with the scattered reflections of the flashlights off the water made a very spooky effect.

The tunnel wasn't as long as we were expecting, and when we finally climbed out of the canal, we were invigorated and still looking for excitement. With my metal pipe still in hand, we bandied around some ideas, ranging from climbing the police station to petty vandalism, but we soon started playing with the pipe and the rope. Jer had the idea that we could make a zip line out of it; you could hold onto the pipe while it slides down the rope. To me this sounded like an amazing idea that was obviously too crazy and unsafe to actually attempt, but I was underestimating the company i was with. Finn immediately volunteered.

We first rigged the rope up from one side of the canal to the middle of a bridge over it. The bridge was higher than at the side, enough that we didn't think Finn would get stuck in the middle or anything. But it was high up. It was over a river, but remember this river was not deep enough to canoe in. With rocks. And the sides were completely dry. With rocks. I was concerned about how safe this was. Luckily, once we had rigged the rope up, we realized that a slight curve in my pipe meant that it didn't slide freely along the rope when the rope was taut, it was too tight. Me and Jordan went back to the hospital construction site to find a better pipe. We ended up having to actually climb the fence into the site, which of course we did with as much stealth as we could muster. The best thing we could find was a solid, heavy, lead pipe.

By the time we got out of the site the other guys had followed us upstream, where there was no longer a canal, just the mostly dry river bank. We decided to try the zip line here first, where we could test it out under somewhat safer conditions. A foot bridge and a tree at the side of the river offered perfect anchor points, and here the drop was only 15 feet, onto grass that sloped quickly but gently into the river. It seemed much safer than the canal.

When the rope was strung up and Finn almost ready to take off, the other guys held onto his pants so he could position himself properly on the edge of the foot bridge. I headed off the bridge and down the slope so I could spot him underneath, just in case the unthinkable happened. But what could happen? Tyler guaranteed his knots with his life, the rope was strong although a little thin, and the lead pipe was solid enough.

Well as I headed down the slope I saw Finn launch off onto the zip line, except instead of following the direct path of the rope from the bridge to the side of the river bank, he followed a curvy path that was more in line with the forces of gravity. He didn't really look like he had been on a zip line at all, he basically fell sideways 15 feet to the riverbank below, where he landed directly on his side and rolled down the bank, making noises that were something in between grunting and screaming. The general idea he was conveying to me was pain. As I rushed down the bank after him he came to a stop with his leg and arm bent behind him. I thought he had broken something for sure, and wondered what we were gonna do for a bass player. The good news was that we were right by the hospital!

In the end, Finn was OK. The whole thing winded him a lot, and he was in a great deal of pain. We waited at the hospital with him, and saw him get wheeled away on a bed for x-rays. Nothing was damaged. He was happy about a hot nurse taking care of him. Today he went back to give them a urine sample, and they found some blood in it, but every thing seems OK. We were pretty lucky he wasn't more seriously hurt. Apparently the lead pipe, which must have weighed at least 25 pounds, landed inches from his head.

I should also quickly describe the house we stayed at in Listowel. When we walked in, I immediately sensed that something was not right, in the sense that the house seemed to be trying to get away from me. It was tilting. It evened out as I walked through, and then tilted back towards me as I got to the other side. It was an old house, and had significantly sunk in the middle. Significantly. The end result was that I kind of felt like I was on a rolling ship the entire time I stayed there, except without the constant motion.

Tour is fun.

blogger is dead

nobody posts anymore. or comments on my posts. boo. i'll post anyways. This week we are staying on a dairy farm in ontario. It's pretty much gorgeous so far. There's cows, a big rolling yard, an old farmhouse that's quite nice and updated, but still definitely a farmhouse, a creek, a dam in the creek, a hammock, beautiful huge trees, two dogs, one very pregnant dog, and last but not least, the smell of a farm. It smells like farm, that's all there is to it. Not sure if I like that yet or not.

In the last week I went to see a lot of shows at the Montreal Jazz Fest, which was pretty cool. I really enjoyed it. One night when Jeremy and Sheree were just playing a duo show I walked down to the fest and stayed there, knowing I would have to take the bus back to our campsite (a church that's not even technically in montreal). The bus was quite an escapade, but the bus drivers in general were helpful and could speak my language, so it worked out. It only took me three hours to get home!

Anyways, there were a lot of free outdoor shows, and many of them were quite good. But nothing compared to Moses Mayes. My cousin's the guitarist so I may be biased, but honestly, nobody gets a crowd moving like Moses Mayes. Dance music that you can actually listen to. My only complaint was that they only played one show, whereas some other bands that were not nearly as interesting were double or triple booked. Not cool.

So by now it seems like word is somewhat becoming public, that I'm in negotiations with my church for a job there. It's exciting to me, but I'm quite apprehensive about it and not sure about my motivation in being interested. Anybody who might actually still be reading blogs and is interested in giving me some insight into what they think is welcome to do so.

quebec

I love quebec. I love having the opportunity to pretend I know french. I love having old men yelling at me in french and being able to say je ne comprends pas. I love the montreal jazz fest. Hopefully i'll be catching more of it next week. We're in quebec city right now, which is gorgeous. I explored the chateau frontenac today. Definitely got into some places I shouldn't have been. But couldn't find the way into the cute little courtyard in the middle.

It's been a long time since i've written and so many things have happened. I must tell about the awful week we had last week. Up until last monday we had been able to mostly stay in people's houses, expect for one night we spent in a starbucks parking lot. They were very hospitable and we went to a rec centre the next day to shower and swim and relax. So that was nice. But last week we were stuck staying at rest stops or truck stops with no showers. The weather was unbelievably hot and humid. We left st. catherines on monday morning, drove eight hours to ottawa, slept in a rest stop on the way back to toronto, drove back to toronto the next day, and then drove back to montreal the next day. That's a lot of driving in horrible weather with no showers. We felt so gross. It was only three days but felt like eternity. And the van kept breaking down on the way to montreal that last day. By the time we got there we were so worn out, and the guy who was putting on the show was just a complete douche bag. He either had no social skills or was just a jackass. He kept on threatening to cancel the show that we had driven all the way to montreal for, with no valid reason. One was because we were late for our 2:30 sound check. The show started at 8:00! Who needs 5 hours to sound check? And our van broke down, what were we supposed to do? Then he hold us we sounded muddy and gross and he couldn't hear a single lyric. This despite the fact that we were playing especially quiet, with the vocals turned up. He went into a explication of how why we needed to turn the bass down so we wouldn't keep adding to our muddy noise. All he had to say was the bass is too loud.

The end of that horrorshow went like this. He wanted all of our addresses and personal information. Originally it was so he could send us recordings that he was gonna make for us, but we were late so that couldn't happen, and he still wanted this info "for his records." Jer asked why he still needed those, and he started into his big jerk routine: "Jeremy, Jeremy, let's just keep this simple." Jer told him we'd keep it really simple, pack up our things and get out of there. So we drove to montreal for nothing. We were all feeling pretty low except for Jer since he at least got to tell Zeke off. But he told his dad about our horrible week, and his dad offered to put us into a hotel for two nights. So that was awesome. We felt so rejuvenated being there, being able to shower. And it was real close to the jazz fest which worked out really well. All in all, it was a nutso week.

While i have time i might as well mention our stay in midland at my aunt and uncle's. It was awesome. When we got there Aunt Loreen pulled out some pork chops and other great foods. The pork chops were declared the best we had ever had. We played at their nursing home and it was super great to play for such a captive audience. Haha. They really did seem to like us and that was cool.

There's too many stories to tell to tell any of them properly. Jeans.

hpapy bdiahrty

so today was my birthday. I awoke to 2 males and 2 females parading into my room and singing happy birthday while throwing balloons in my face. One of the males inexplicably tried to remove my blanket. He surely knows i don't sleep in much, and what makes it even more inexplicable is that the two females in the room were the wives of the two males. luckily i held on tight to said blanket despite my sleepiness.

we had a show at our bassist's old high school, which was super sketchy cause their sound system was crap. It was lunch time and nobody was in there when we started, and they turned the lights out so we couldn't see people coming in. It felt like nobody was there, but when the show ended we could see that there was a decent crowd. At one point Jer decided I needed to be sung to again, so everybody did. Apparently somebody shouted that I was gorgeous. I don't know if it was a male or female, but either way it's probably best that I didn't hear it. That kind of thing tends to go straight to my head.

in the late afternoon we went to see some of the greater Meadow Lake area nature and have a picnic. we saw some beautiful sites and wildlife, and finally found an ok picnic spot. This was tough because it was raining. I didn't know why we were trying so hard to have a picnic in the rain and mosquitos until after the hot dog roast, when i was sat down with a huge bag of presents. included were a pillow (because the one i've been using isn't great), a notepad and pen for journalling or whatever, nice new sandals which i needed, some peach like candy and some chocolate covered peanuts. it was a treasure trove. then there was even cake, black forest cake no less. Home made! and I was sung to again. and blew out all the candles in a single puff. not any of that blowing wildly in all directions for 30 seconds until no flame in a 10 foot radius has a chance. just one highly efficient puff. We also replaced frisbee with this amazing thing called trackball. I highly recommend it. I tell ya, being away from family for the last couple of birthdays, it's been a while since i've had such a good birthday. I thought I'd hear from a few more people than I heard from but then again my phone doesn't have reception in this town so maybe i'll have a few texts waiting for me. Cheers all.

Catching Up

On Friday we drove from drove from Calgary to Medicine Hat, played a show, left the next morning for Edmonton, which took us back through Calgary and took all day, played a show there until 1:30 am, and then left for Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan. We arrived at 7am and played at the local church at 9am and again at 11am, and again at 7pm. That was hectic. But some good very good times have been had.

Of note was the show we played on thursday at a beach house, a swanky type of place in a swanky neighbourhood in Calgary. It was a nice warm day. We took some pedal boats out to the middle of the lake and I decided to swim back, not remembering that a week previous the ground in Calgary was actually covered in snow. It was so cold that I had trouble making it back. Not because it was that far, but because the cold made it so hard to breathe. Even floating on my back I was having trouble. By the end I was a big wet noodle. And my body refused to warm up for the rest of the night.

The bar we played at in Medicine Hat was previously a gay bar and apparently a strip club. It looked the part. Sleazy, but in a very hip way. I liked it. We didn't have a place to stay that night but a guy who played before us said we could stay with him at his parents' place. His dad was a doctor, so we said yes. On the way to Edmonton the next day we stopped at a rest stop and played with the local gophers for quite a while. I tried to take one out with a frisbee, but they're speedy little fellas. I also almost got one to eat out of my hand. But not quite. We tried to leave but our van was having no part of that. It was refusing to start, and then when it finally did it would either stall or backfire loudly. Eventually it decided to give in, and we made it to Edmonton safely.

In Edmonton we had supper at a place called Big Boy Pizza or something like that. We were told it was a buck-a-slice place, and it looked sketchy and affordable on the outside, but it turned into a fancy sit-down place with Italian menus once you got inside. Turns out the words "Big Boy Pizza" sound and look a whole lot more classy in Italian.

Then we played a secret show at Castle Awesome. Let me tell you about Castle Awesome. Castle Awesome has a climbing wall. Castle Awesome has a pool. Castle Awesome is not exactly what it sounds like. It's on a very ordinary street in Edmonton, and it's a very ordinary, very messy bungalow that two scene guys live in. The pool cost $60 at Walmart. The climbing wall is 10 feet tall. But they have shows there all the time, and Castle Awesome is still pretty awesome.

We played a cool show in the basement that was crammed with people and EXTREMELY hot. It was probably the best show we'll play on tour. The energy in there was incredible, the crowd was crammed right into our faces, and they loved us. And there's something about leaving a show in a t-shirt drenched with sweat that makes everything feel all right. Even if you then have to drive through the night and play worship music you haven't ever practised the next morning. We watched Big Fish in the van and then I drove the rest of the way. Our improvised worship songs were not very good, especially since Jer, who was leading most of them, didn't really know some of them. We're not a worship band, and we were really tired. None of us was really happy with our show that night either, especially compared to the energy and sweat of the night before. The ambience in a small town church sanctuary isn't quite the same as the basement of Castle Awesome, and we had no idea if anybody there liked us at all, especially since they were either over the hill, or in junior high and probably into screamo and hip-hop. But we sold 28 CDs, so they obviously did.

Today we played Frisbee in a field well stocked with mosquitos. It's been a while since i've experienced mosquitos but i figured they wouldn't bug me too much since i'm from Winnipeg. The weird thing is though, they did. Turns out mosquitos aren't very fun to be around. Especially not in the thick variety, when you can slap yourself and hit more than one, or swing your arms randomly and hit several.

Nothing Much

Nothing much has happened over the last while that's very entertaining to write about. There's now an official tour blog you can check out on the link to the right. The other night we played BaseBee, which is a lot like baseball but with a frisbee, and you get way more exercise cause we only play with four or five people. Which is good, cause when it comes to getting exercise, plain baseball is akin to golf as a sport. And shuffleboard.

Saturday night we played at a hardcore show, which is always fun. We played first, and then two bands that sucked, but then a super nuts band called Snic came on. Those guys are so fun to watch, and don't take themselves too seriously, which is a good idea in that genre I think.

I guess I'm becoming accustomed to life on tour. The days meld into one, a lot of good times are had, some boring times, some good music is played, some not so good, and at the end of the day i'm usually rolling out a bed in a new place.

strip frisbee

Thanks to the positive comments Tom and Rebeks, I guess I'll just continue journalling until i get the sense no one's reading.

Yesterday us guys went out to play frisbee in an open field late at night. We of course had to have a competition, and had races to catch a frisbee thrown by one guy, kind of a hopped up version of 500. This evolved into us standing in a circle that we widened regularly by stepping backwards, trying to make as many successive completions as possible. This inevitably evolved into... that's right, strip frisbee. The two people involved in a dropped throw had to remove an article of clothing. This ended with us all in our skivvies racing through some sprinklers that had just turned on. It was fun. In an extremely masculine and heterosexual way.

Today was a travel day, and not very fun for me. I felt gross from the minute I woke up, it was so hot in our tent. Put on shorts and t-shirt, but still felt gross for the entire trip, and then when we got into Alberta all of a sudden it was snowing! So then I was freezing. So yeah, the whole day I just wasn't enjoying myself. Moody. I did read a really good book by Margaret Atwood called Lady Oracle. We picked up a couple of hitchhikers on the way to banff, they were francophones from quebec. Ended up going for sushi with them and then randomly played at an open mic next door. That's where i am now. This place really digs jeremy's and sheree's stuff.

The Canadian Tour Adventure

This blog may take on journal like elements from now on, because I want to journal and record this tour so i can look back on it later and remember. So sorry if it gets boring. I like to write entertainingly, which journalling isn't always, so this may be a short lived online journal.

The first day was really rough. It started out rough and just got worse, for me anyways. After waking up roughly and realizing I had a lot to do yet i kind of pulled it together and got it done, in time for the van to arrive. But they were running late and were a bit ticked that they had to pick me up, since I had been unable to get a ride to their place. There had been a bit of friction during the last week because I was really busy taking care of stuff I should have done earlier and working at my stupid job while they were all practicing and preparing and stuff. So this was a rough start, and then Jer told me we couldn't take my recording stuff, which was a huge blow. I really wanted to take that stuff so we could record shows or albums along the way, and then drop the gear off in winnipeg so i'd have less stuff to worry about once I start thinking about actually moving. So I spent the whole day with that in my head on top of other things.

We played a show at a Christian music festival nearby (on the same bill as STARFIELD!!!) which went poorly and had poor attendance because we were slotted during registration. Then we headed out into the mountains, when I started talking to Jer about having the recording stuff along. He either saw that it was really important to me and decided to pacify me, or he legitimately wanted it along as well, cause we turned around and drove a good 45 minutes back to Abbotsford to get it. That was when things started looking up. We had a nice drive to Kelowna and set up at a friend's place there.

Yesterday was a pretty slow day until mid afternoon when we went to set up for the show. Our show was at an evening church service. We decided to record it so I spent a lot of time setting up the computer and mics and hooking everything up and testing it. In the end we got a decent sound out of the whole thing so I was happy with that. I almost forgot the suitcase with all my mics in it, so that would have sucked.

Today was the third day of our tour, which we again spent in Kelowna. It was a nice warm day and we got invited to a very nice mansion-like house with a pool, foosball table, pool table, etc. We spent the afternoon there, which was fun. We had a BBQ for supper, and I ate too much. We then piled in the van and headed down the mountain to get to our show, and i got pretty sick. We played a very stripped down set in a coffee shop, which was relaxed. I lounged on a couch with a glockenspiel on my lap, playing it like a slob, but still playing pretty well. Then we went for ice cream and a walk by the lakefront. I went to a public bathroom in the park, and was just standing at the urinal when a cleaning lady walks in behind me and starts wiping down the sink! I finished up quickly and tried to get in there to wash my hands, but I felt so awkward about it, and she was taking up so much room with her cleaning that I just walked out of there. Then we climbed Winnie the Pooh. He was pretty big and I'm a very bad climber, so I needed some help.

On another note, tour has been a definite change of pace in my life. For one, living as a community with 5 other people is an immediate change. I've determined to try to work as hard as I can at everything we do so nobody ever feels like I'm not pulling my weight and I never worry about them feeling like that. I've had mild success so far, as things continue I'll need to do that more. It's a bit of a shift because I usually try to get by with the least amount of energy as possible. Some might call it laziness. I can also be a little idiosyncratic with needing to do something mindless before going to bed, and not wanting to talk to anybody when I wake up, so these are things I am needing to try to moderate and control a bit.

I've made some other conscious decisions in my personal life, effective as of the beginning of tour. All of these changes to my life as of three days ago have had a weird mix of effects on me. It's not often in life that you wake up every morning with that feeling of "something is very different today." You know, like that first time you got a girlfriend and you woke up the next morning remembering "I have a girlfriend today! Yesterday morning I didn't, but today I do!" And then you randomly remember it repeatedly during the day and perk yourself up. It's really quite exhilirating. And conversely when she breaks up with you, it's weird to wake up the next morning remembering that, feeling the weight and the hopelessness that doesn't seem to leave. But either way it's a unique and rare experience. It's life at its deepest and richest. In this case it's hard and sad, empty sometimes, but not hopeless. I'm dealing and will continue to, and it feels good to do that.

Whew I almost lost this post cause I navigated away and it disappeared. Thank you Blogger for auto saving now.

Adventures in the Bahamas Part 3

Well I'm about to embark on another adventure, touring Canada, but I just had to tell this quick story. I think it was my first day in the Bahamas when I was exploring. I spent some time just hanging out by a market on the ocean, close to where all the cruise ships dock. I was sitting on this wall type thing with the ocean to my left and the market to my right. Lots of people were around, and this guy on my right started talking to me. We chatted a bit and he pointed out the cruise ship that he worked on. The conversation went on pretty long for total strangers, at least by my standards. But the guy was really friendly and the conversation was interesting so it was cool. Then he seemed to see somebody he knew by the market and started walking over there, pausing to motion at me that he would be right back and i should hold on.

Well that was a little weird to me since we were total strangers, he had no obligation to me, but I thought it was funny and nice that I had made a friend. He seemed to want to talk to somebody that was in a taxi or something. I looked away back at the ocean and then looked back. GONE! He was gone. Nowhere in sight. But what did I care, he was just a stranger. Except for some reason my mind and hand immediately went to my pocket. My wallet was gone too.

In a flash the entire scenario played out in my mind. I was wearing my shorts which don't have a proper back pocket so i carry my wallet in the front right pocket, which is awkward so I randomly take it out without thinking sometimes. When I sat down by the ocean I unthinkingly placed the wallet beside me on the right. This guy made conversation with me, moved closer, befriended me, stole my heart, etc. He pointed to the ship where he "worked," on my left, and while I looked over he pilfered my wallet! Then he began to make his escape but to avoid suspicion he made it seem like he wasn't really leaving until the right moment where disappeared completely.

You can't imagine the heartbreak and loss of trust I experienced. This guy was so friendly and nice, I couldn't believe that the whole purpose of our friendship was so that he could do harm to me and steal my wallet. It really shook my faith in humanity. I was heartbroken.

Another possible scenario came to mind though, in which I had forgotten my wallet back at the hotel. So I went back to check, and that was the case. Phew. He was just a nice guy after all.

I'll be blogging intermittently while on tour. Check in regularly.

The Bahamas Adventures Part Two

The next day it was decided that we would go on a snorkelling boat tour thing. I had booked it the day before, and they told me a bus would pick us up at the nearby Hilton at 12:15. So we walked down to the Hilton just before noon. Early, right? Except a hotel guy told us that the bus had already left, and we were supposed to take a taxi instead. He assured us that the company would pay for the taxi. I wanted to go back to the room to get the pamphlet for this snorkelling thing, maybe give them a call to confirm this, but before i knew it hotel guy had hustled us into a taxi and told the driver where to go. He seemed to know what he was doing.

We drove over a bridge that goes to Paradise Island, a really ritzy place. The driver asked us for a dollar to pay the toll for this bridge. Well as I mentioned already, I didn't have US or Bahamian money with me, I was covering credit card purchases while my friend was covering payments that required cash. Except on this particular day she had left the cash at home. Now I had been a little worried about this business with having to get this company to pay for a taxi, but this is the point where I got really worried. Same with the taxi driver. He did not like this business at all. But he paid the toll and drove us the rest of the way. That drive was pretty tense for me as I contemplated how we didn't have any cash on us, we didn't know where we were going, we couldn't remember the name of the company that we were snorkelling with, and were just blindly trusting that we could find them and make them pay for this taxi.

We pulled up at the entrance to some ritzy place, and it became immediately apparent that we were in the wrong place. Luckily the people there wanted to help us out, but I felt like a useless idiot trying to explain to them that we didn't know where we should be or the name of anything. They called a few snorkelling places for us and NOBODY had my name on their files. Finally the lady had the idea to let me look through some brochures. I found the one that i had booked with, but they called there, and again they said there was no record of us. The guy at the hotel desk who made that call for me was really pushing this other company on me the whole time, kept on telling me how it was their preferred diving company. I asked to make the call myself and this time they knew who I was, thankfully. The lady I talked to was suitably shocked about where I was, especially since our destination was on the other side of the island. I actually really enjoyed her reaction. She told me to hurry on down there, so I fled with the pamphlet in hand. Hotel desk guy looked a little hurt.

Well we didn't miss our boat, and the whole thing was worth it. We snorkelled out at a reef and were given some fish food to draw the fishes to us. I was surrounded by swarms of tropical fishes. I had to make sure the black and blue ones got some food, cause the white and yellow ones were way more aggressive. We went to another spot where I guess a plane had crashed in the water; it was pretty cool to see the ruins or whatever you call it. I couldn't get down to it cause the pressure hurt my ears too much, but one girl did. I was jealous. Then we went out to a reef ledge where sharks hang out. Apparently the reef sharks there don't really attack humans cause there's enough food to keep them full. So we went swimming with them. One swam within arms reach of my friend. I was jealous.

The Bahamas Adventures Part One

The problem with going to the Bahamas is that you then have to leave the Bahamas at some point. I had an amazing trip, and I really need to blog it out. I'm real tired, so I'm gonna start with the first couple days.

First off, I ended up going with a friend of mine who I don't hang out with much anymore. I had been anticipating a trip all on my own so this was a bit different, a bit of a blessing and a bit of the opposite. We'll leave it at that.

Let's go back in time to Monday evening. Our flight leaves at 8, which means flying through the night to Calgary and then Toronto, spending a few hours there and then flying on to Nassau, Bahamas. This is not exactly fun, except the plane going to Nassau is very empty. This means that I get a whole row to myself, enough to stretch out on and watch tv in style. So that's actually quite enjoyable. Then we approach the islands of the Bahamas, collared in sky blue waters. Gorgeous.

The first thing I notice about the Bahamas... everybody is black! I'm not sure what I was expecting, I just hadn't thought about it I guess. Of course there's tons of tourists as well, mostly white. The locals give the flavour for the island though. The customs agent insists on helping me secure a hotel room before he lets me through. All I brought with me was a phone number of a hostel which it turns out doesn't exist anymore.

We hop in a taxi, and the driver's first act in the cab is to honk his horn and pull in front of a bus. We quickly learn that honking the horn in the Bahamas as akin to breathing in North America. You do it partly to confirm your presence to the world, partly just to keep from dying. So the taxi takes us down this sketchy back alley to a narrow stairway that says "Mignon Guest House." We walk up the stairs to a gate and ring the bell. An old man turns up and mutters something about his wife, but he lets us in to this place, which is basically a hallway with a desk and a fridge in it, attached to another hallway with six bedrooms, and two shared bathrooms. There's also a microwave and a water dispenser with a handwritten sign that says "If you want to dring the water, please use only a dringing glass." This exact sign is plastered on the wall on either side of the dispenser, as well as on the machine itself, on either side of the water spout. So four times in total.

The man's wife is a very friendly, very short, and very greek lady who really speaks her mind. 5 minutes after arriving we're already being chastised for foolishness. Shortly after that a european couple walk in from the beach and she's severely scolding them about using the room towels on the beach. They seem to get the point and walk on to their room, while she shakes her head at me and mouths the word "swedish."

"SWEDISH!" she hollers after them. "YOU UNDERSTAND?"

I love the fact that her nickname for them is "swedish."

It's already late afternoon, so we walk down to hit the beach, which is gorgeous of course. Then I go exploring. It doesn't take long to realize that on the streets here everybody yells. There's constant conversation going on, and it's always in yelling form, whether or not the conversations is taking place over several feet or several blocks. It's really hard to know when people are actually talking to you specifically, and not somebody way down the street, especially cause I have a hard time understanding what's being said through those thick Caribbean accents. I may have had a group of angry Bahamians after me, but I'm really not sure.

I walked down to the docks, where there's 3 or 4 gigantic cruise liners and a "straw market." Here there's much more yelling. People are trying to sell you things, and it's crowded. The people here are VERY good at selling things. A gigantic lady calls me over and slips a couple bracelets on my wrist. Some orphans made them or something, and they just ask for a donation in return. I explain that I only have Canadian, I don't have any US or Bahamian cash, which are the accepted currencies here.

"Canadian?" she tries to fit this word into her mouth. I pull out a $5 bill and hand it to her, explaining that it's worth about four bucks. "Canadian," she ponders again while staring at the bill with the kind of pure joy and wonderment that you only expect to see on a 5 year old child at christmastime. And probably only in the movies. She actually says "ooooh" while holding this expression. When she tells me that it looks funny, I tell her our tens are kind of purply red, which she has problems believing.

I get tired of exploring at around seven. Having eaten nothing but carrot sticks, airline cookies, and a crappy airport muffin since leaving BC, I head back to my room in hopes of drumming up some healthy-food-ish prospects. Having slept for only a couple hours, I fall asleep and wake up at four in the morning with nothing to do but read tourism pamphlets, and nothing to eat but carrot sticks.

Tomorrow, swimming with sharks and being the most pathetic tourist ever

wappo!

I finished Wappo the other day. Those of you who know what I'm talking about will know what I'm talking about.

Global Warming

Up until tonight I had basically left the concept of global warming unchallenged. After all, who would make that stuff up? It's gotta be valid since there's no big business behind it. The oil companies are certainly not. Also from what I understand of the greenhouse effect, the whole concept seems to make sense. CO2 is one of many greenhouse gasses which keep our planet warm. Add C02, make the planet warmer.

Tonight I watched a movie that challenged these assumptions to the core, The Global Warming Swindle. First of all, we're all conditioned to believe CO2 is bad. Of course we'll acknowledge that we're made up of it; we expel it. Trees, plants, animals, and most of all, water expel it. But it still seems like a bad thing, cause it makes our planet warmer.

Or does it? The big studies show that historically CO2 levels and planet temperature are directly related. But what a movie like The Inconvenient Truth doesn't tell you is that the CO2 changes lag four to five hundred years behind the climate changes. It's the classic cause and effect logic mistake. The planet gets warmer, and then CO2 levels rise. Not the other way around. So what's causing what?

But still, it doesn't hurt to cut down on CO2 emissions right? Despite the scare in the post WWII era about the looming ice age (no joke!), I've always wondered what anti-environmentalists get so worked up about. Even if we're wrong, it doesn't hurt to play it safe and sell your f#$*ing SUV. Well, in some cases it might. Developing nations are being told they have to use alternative forms of energy. Their infrastructures are just beginning to develop, so it makes sense to start them off the right way.

Right? (one word paragraph)

Well, alternative energy is at least twice as expensive, which means that these countries are being significantly held back in their development because they're being forced to adopt alternative energy. And in case you're thinking this means they won't be able to upgrade from the 2 slice toaster to the 4 slice (I hate waiting for my 3rd slice), you're wrong. It means people are dying. The movie shows a hospital that has no electricity except for a couple of solar panels to power either their lights or their fridge, but not both. Development is crucial for the lives of people in these countries, and they are being dramatically held back by what appears to be bad science.

I'm not saying this info might not be skewed and twisted to make me doubt global warming. It's really hard to tell who to believe. Perhaps this movie was funded by Esso. To get into how global warming advocates are financially motivated, it's related to government spending and scientific grants. I'll let the movie get into the details of that. Watch it and comment.

It should be on your right, one of the top two. If not go here. The bottom one appears to be a movie that counters The Global Warming Swindle. I'm gonna watch that now.

Lightning Bug's Butt: I talk to inanimate objects

I've recently noticed a disturbing tendency that might be gradually increasing as I grow older. Maybe it's one of those things that you only notice as you grow older; it's possible I've been doing it my whole life. All I know is that in the recent past I seem to be in the habit of addressing inanimate objects as if they were... animate. I personify normal household objects. Often with a good deal of hostility.

I'm not sure whether I'm more worried that it's a recent development or that I could have been doing it my whole life without noticing. Maybe this sort of thing starts innocently enough, say one day you lose your cell phone. If you're like me it's with you all the time, so when you can't find it panic starts setting in. While your mind is busy trying to figure out where your body left it last, your body starts doing what it should do when a dear friend like cell phone goes missing: calls it.

"Cell phone! Where the heck did I leave you? Get over here now!"

And so forth. If you progress from there you may reach a point, like I did the other day, where you angrily inform an old lady's walker that it is without a doubt "a menace to society." To be fair, this is probably not true. That walker probably did a lot of good for its owner, but the thing pinched my finger and wouldn't let go! And it refused to be stacked properly like all the other luggage. So after being on the wrong end of the annoying stick from that thing for too long, my emotions got the better of me and i let loose.

To me the funniest thing about this was my choice of insult at that point in time. Insulting an actual person by calling them a menace to society is odd enough. For an old lady's walker, it borders on being... pretty weird. I guess the moral of the story is don't cross me if you're an inanimate object, cause I have a sharp tongue.

My Quiet Life » negative nelly

I don't mean for this to be a negative nelly, just some of my newest song lyrics. Sometimes I find enjoyment in darker lyrics, and I happen to enjoy these. Any interested parties who haven't already are invited to check out my other posted lyrics at http://myspace.com/jerpenner Criticism welcome

On the night my house burnt down
All the neighbours gathered round
They were drawn to me by sounds
Of my house burnt down
Oh the children stared that day
As my life smoldered away
Into hues of black and gray
Into black and gray

I remember feeling young
Years ago when love was fun
Not a battle to be won
Back when I was young
Me and Judy had a girl
Wispy hair and fingers curled
Diamond eyes that changed my world
With her fingers curled

Though she only lived to three
Clinging to her memory
We will never let her leave
She will never leave
Every day the edges hurt
In our kitchen and our words
And it's hard to make things work
When the edges hurt

On the night my wife left town
I found some matches on the ground
At the spot where I was found
When my house burnt down

federal court of canada decisions

I've recently started using Google as a songwriting tool, and I am now using it as a blog naming tool. I type in the subject material of the blog, and the first title that google gives me is my title. We'll see if anything more exciting comes up.

So I have decisions to make. My good friends Jeremy Eisenhauer and Sheree Plett want me to tour with them all summer long for 3 months. mid-May to mid-August, from BC to Quebec and back. I really want to do this, and they really want me to do it. But, there's a conflict. There's this cover band based out of Vancouver that is planning on touring to Asia to play in ritsy hotels. I've been playing with them for about a month and they REALLY want me to be their keyboardist. They are planning on being ready to leave by June, and plan on doing this for quite a while. They'd go to one hotel for 3-4 months, come home for a several-week break, and then go out again to a different country. While at the hotel they'd be playing about 3 hours a night, 6 nights a week, with the rest being free time.

They might not actually leave by June though. They first have to get a promo video together, which would be done by the beginning of May if all goes well, and then an agent needs to book them a gig at their first hotel, and the agent could take 2-3 months to do that. They could conceivably not be leaving until August, but their goal is to leave in June. I've proposed to them that they just wait for me, since it's possible that they wouldn't leave until i'm back anyways, but they figure I would need to be around to practice with them anyways. So they're definitely asking me to NOT tour this summer. By the way, if I go with them, I'll be doing that for a while, I'm not sure how long. If I don't do it, I was thinking I'd be going to school in Winnipeg.

I need help making this decision. So here's the pros and cons list I've been advised to write.

Going to Asia PROS
- it pays good money (we're talking Roslyn good if you count everything), all travel costs and living expenses paid, room service, permanent hotel room to myself, financially a sound decision
- I've been needing to travel overseas
- potentially is a long-term career option, although not necessarily one I'd want, as it would keep me away from friends and family. The guys definitely want to do it for a long time
- it would just be a really cool experience.
- I'm young and unattached, really at the prime time to do this kind of thing. Although I feel strongly tied to Winnipeg, I don't have any actual responsibilities to hold me in Canada. It's not the kind of thing I could just decide to do a few years down the line.

Going to Asia CONS
- keeps me away from friends and family
- although the bandmates are all good folks, they're probably not best friend material for me personally
- is living in a hotel cool? it sounds cool. I've always wanted to. but maybe it gets old.
- it could make me miss out on a really great time with some really great friends, including Jordan Dueck, who I haven't seen in a year cause he's been in Ireland
- if I'm choosing it as being good for my career, what do I do when I decide to quit? What Canadian company has "experience touring with a cover band in asia" on their list of resume requirements?
- it could really set back the time frame for my continued education. if I want to take music therapy at CMU, which I think I do, I'd have to start in September, or not for another 2 years.
- being out of the country makes it hard to continue my own musical escapades that I'd like to do with Jeremy and Sheree

Touring with Sheremy PROS (as I call them when I get tired of saying Jer and Sheree)
- they're great friends/it'll be a really good time
- these folks are my closest musical partners at this point, and we have great plans for recording new albums together, part of which could possibly happen while on tour

Touring with Sheremy CONS
- the money will probably not be that great
- it could make me miss out on a cool opportunity to play music for a living and get paid to travel the world doing it

so... anybody have any advice? comments? More things to add to the PROS or CONS list? And let's try to keep the self-motivated advice to a minimum, shall we? ;)

Fluster the Forward Guy

This is in response to a blog on Sister #2's blog, about overly forward guys. Girls, you already know plenty of guys who aren't overly forward, they're normal people who have normal insecurities and are scared of rejection. That's why they're not blunt; they're subtle in order to lessen the impact of the rejection, and if they see it coming they're likely to back down quick to further avoid it. With these normal people you usually dance around the issue and try not to hurt their feelings.

Understand that the overly forward people are not these normal people and should not be treated as such. They are not afraid of rejection. You might think that they're just stupid and are not getting your hints, but they are. They're just ignoring them and pushing past in the hopes that if they're persistent enough they'll beat your defence system. It works in the movies. And it apparently works with some girls as well.

For example, Ros, do you really think this guy didn't catch on that you weren't interested after arguing with him about whether you would pick him up? He probably figured out that his good looks weren't giving you enough reason to pick him up, but he was hoping on smooth-talk-convincing you that there were other good reasons, and that it wouldn't really mean anything. Then you'd be out with him, hopefully drinking, and he'd convince you it didn't mean anything to get down with him on the dance floor. And then you'd be his ride home, etc.

If you don't believe me, i've received emails on "how to succeed with women," and these guys play the percentages. The overly blunt and persistent approach works in a certain percentage of cases, so guys just have to try it out on enough girls, and eventually they'll score. These guys aren't interested in a long-term relationship at this point, so they're not looking at investing a bunch of time into getting to know somebody, especially not before next Friday. So their remaining winning strategy is to swing as many times as possible until they hit something.

This is where it gets fun though. These guys are used to striking out. Rejection isn't really personal for them at this point, it's just numbers. So take the opportunity to be creative in finding fantastic ways of telling them off. Try to set a record for how quickly you can be classified as the failure percentage. Be as blunt, if not more so, than they are. In this way Roslyn's response was so great. I can just see her getting indignant and telling this guy she doesn't even want him in the same building as she is going to be, much less in her car. Really great work there Ros. I didn't think it was mean at all.

Even if the guy isn't some playa you don't know at all, and is more like Cheryl's No Peripheral Vision Guy or Kimberly's Hopeful Young Bible School Guy, if they seem extremely dense and are not getting your hints, it's probably not that they're not getting them. Aren't you always amazed that they can be so dense? Well, be amazed no longer, they're actually just persistent, so make it easy on them by saving them a lot of time and effort. Be ruthless, for their sake, so that they get the picture! And then, for my, sake, take a picture! We should have a Fluster the Forward Guy Photo contest. Beleaguer the Blunt Guy? Whatever.